


It's My Right to Be Hellish

by CookieCuddler



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Barebacking, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, Get back together, Jealous!Chanyeol, M/M, Make up sex, Romance, Rough Sex, Sequel, idk i tried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:34:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23846047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookieCuddler/pseuds/CookieCuddler
Summary: Sequel to "Dirty Little Secret." Details the events that happen thereafter (before the bonus) from Chanyeol's perspective: Chanyeol meets up with Baekhyun to discuss their break up and learns some unfavorable news. Baekhyun comes to terms with his mistake.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 22
Kudos: 73





	1. Chanyeol

**Author's Note:**

> Now, this fic is all Chanbaek. I recommend you read the first part as you'll lose a lot of Baekhyun's characterization. It's not 100% necessary to understand the story, but it helps explain the situation and everyone's characters.
> 
> I also wanted to try playing with showing and not telling as much. If you can, let me know if you picked up on Baekhyun's personality. (really everyone is awful but I'm proud on how I characterized him without saying "he's being ___" in the story).
> 
> First part is here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23801938

Chanyeol wouldn’t describe himself as a jealous person.

He has had his moments of possessiveness and what people could consider jealousy since Baekhyun is heavily pursued by his friends. Dating Baekhyun was him winning the ultimate prize that could easily be snatched from under him. That’s all he meant by it whenever he mentioned Baekhyun’s relationship with Yukhei: he was scared to lose him.

He didn’t mean to imply that Baekhyun wanted to fuck him, but when it came out like that during their last fight, he couldn’t deny that he agreed with it.

Chanyeol sits in the coffee shop alone at the wooden table, a cup of iced americano in front of him. His hands are tucked into the front pocket of his black hoodie and he watches the door of the shop. His legs bounce in nervousness since he isn’t sure how this conversation is going to go. To his surprise, Baekhyun agreed to meet with him so they can talk some things over and to hopefully gain some sort of closure, but knowing Baekhyun, he might have agreed to fight with him some more. Chanyeol didn’t want to end things between them, but if Baekhyun still feels the same way as he did that night a few days ago, he’ll have no choice but to accept that he fucked things up between them. He presses his lips together at the reminder of their fight. He off-handedly brought up how flirtatious Baekhyun can be, and when Baekhyun questioned him in disbelief, he brought up how he strings that Yukhei kid along. It’s beyond obvious that the freshman has a thing for him, why would Baekhyun (with a boyfriend) entertain that? He’ll admit, however, he presented his insecurities in an insensitive way by telling Baekhyun that ‘ _you act like you want to ride his dick._ ’ 

The door chimes and Chanyeol looks up from the table and sees Baekhyun in similar attire as his own: a red hoodie, black sweats, and sneakers. He has dark circles around his eyes, and he stares at the floor. Chanyeol stands, the chair scratching against the wood floor.

When Baekhyun approaches the table Chanyeol utters, “Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun sits across from Chanyeol wordlessly, his gaze still refusing to meet Chanyeol’s.

Chanyeol sits down, his hands now resting on the table. His fingers drum against the table in time to the music that plays overhead. He’s on cloud nine now that Baekhyun is in front him, looking the same, albeit worn down and clearly depressed. There’s a chance Baekhyun might have regretted his decision and will take him back. His heart accelerates at that thought, because life has been miserable without Baekhyun by his side. In the few days he’s been single, life has been quieter, and his apartment felt emptier.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol tries again.

“Chanyeol, I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol sits up straighter at Baekhyun’s apology.

Baekhyun continues, “I never should have broken up with you. I’ve been thinking,” Baekhyun finally makes eye contact with Chanyeol. He frowns and he pulls at his fingers on top of the table. After a moment, he looks away, “Perhaps, you were right. I shouldn’t have let things between Yukhei and I go on for as long as they did. It wasn’t fair to you.”

Chanyeol’s lips part in shock.

“I just wanted to know if you’ll have me back.” Baekhyun shrinks in the seat, his face red with embarrassment.

“O-of course, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol sits up in his seat, the chair screeching against the floor in the progress. People sitting at tables around them look over in irritation and curiosity.

Baekhyun looks up, his face now lax. He exhales and smiles lightly, eyes closed in relief.

Chanyeol stands and moves around the table. He pulls Baekhyun to stand so they can embrace. He pushes Baekhyun’s head into his shoulder. His arms wrap around his waist. Baekhyun smells like he always does, laundry detergent and mint, he as warm as he always is, and is as soft as he always was. What they had before he let his self-doubt rule his reasoning, he can experience a while longer. They part and Chanyeol gives Baekhyun a peak on the lips and on both cheeks.

He whispers, “Baby, I missed you so much.”

Baekhyun’s arms wrap around Chanyeol’s back. He muffles into his hoodie, “I missed you too.”

“Can you come over tonight?” Chanyeol murmurs. He resists the urge to grope Baekhyun as they’re in public, but after losing him he didn’t want to let him go.

“Chanyeol, I have to tell you something,” Baekhyun pushes Chanyeol away, “Before we get ahead of ourselves. I think you deserve to know.”

Chanyeol moves to the other side of the table and takes his previous seat. He’s not sure what more Baekhyun needs to tell him, or what more there needs to be said as they’re back together.

Baekhyun sits down and stares at his lap, his face red, “I hate to do this in public, but I don’t want to lose my nerve to tell you. I would rather you hear this from me rather than from someone else.”

Chanyeol’s lips part in confusion. He takes a sip of his coffee from the straw.

“Yukhei and I…we hooked up.”

Chanyeol blinks. He sets his coffee on the table. He leans back into the seat and crosses his arms.

“It happened after we broke up—”

“We were broken up for four days, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol’s voice is unyielding.

A piece of Chanyeol couldn’t be shocked because he _knew_. Baekhyun’s relationship with Yukhei wasn’t a typical senior-junior relationship. Yukhei gave off several hints that he liked him and Baekhyun led him on. Another part of Chanyeol was hurt. While he was in his apartment crying, Baekhyun hopped on another man’s dick—the same man who they fought over and caused them to break up.

“Chanyeollie, it wasn’t like that. It happened after I left. I was hurt and upset, and I just needed something—”

“So, you fuck him?” Chanyeol’s voice is louder than what he would have liked, the customers around them turning towards them, whispering amongst themselves.

“You told me I wanted to ride his dick just because I was nice to him—” An edge rides Baekhyun’s voice. He meets Chanyeol’s gaze, the meek and embarrassed Baekhyun forgotten.

“That doesn’t mean the first thing you do is jump on it,” Chanyeol’s eyes are wide, he leans forward.

“I didn’t mean to start another fight—”

“How am I supposed to react?”

“How about you stop interrupting me and let me explain myself. You’re not the only victim in this.” Baekhyun raises a finger, “You questioned my loyalty and thought because some _freshman_ had a little crush on me, I was going to break up with you and run to be with him. What I do after we break up has nothing to do with you, but I thought you would rather me be upfront about it versus you hearing it from other people. Chanyeol, I’m sorry. If I could take it back I would but I can’t. I always wanted you.”

Chanyeol’s lips flatten into a line. He can feel the sincerity in Baekhyun’s words, but that still isn’t an excuse nor is enough for him to forgive him for what he did. They’ve fought over Baekhyun being jealous and he didn’t break up with him then go sleep with the person on the same day. Chanyeol wanted to say his rebuttal and further point out Baekhyun’s hypocrisy, but he didn’t want to lose Baekhyun again—didn’t want to fight with him anymore.

“You know you have a jealousy problem too, right?” Chanyeol responds quietly.

Baekhyun closes his eyes, tired, “I know. I’m working on it.”

They fall silent. Baekhyun looks away, his gaze towards the counter, his eyes hazed over in thought. Chanyeol stares forward. He’s heartbroken. He’s pissed the fuck off because another man saw Baekhyun in a predicament he always felt was his, but he’s mostly hurt. He’s not sure how he’s going to trust Baekhyun. From the sounds of it, he pushed Baekhyun into Yukhei’s arms, but he has a hard time believing there was nothing there from Baekhyun’s side.

“How was it?” Chanyeol whispers.

“How was what?”

“The sex.”

Baekhyun frowns and opens his mouth but Chanyeol interrupts him, “I need this.”

“You need to know how the sex was? Chanyeol I—”

“I want to know if you enjoyed it. We were broken up, but it just happened, and I doubt you got over me that quickly.”

“I regretted it as soon as it was over. It was empty.”

“Did you like it?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I remember wishing I was doing that with you.”

Chanyeol’s face falls. Baekhyun did like it.

* * *

“Hm, _Chanyeollie_ …” Baekhyun whispers while lying on his back, his head pressed against the pillow. His back arches when Chanyeol pushes through the tight ring of muscle, a gasp passing through his lips.

Chanyeol slides home with a grunt. He rests on his elbows, each on either side of Baekhyun’s head. He’s not over their fight from earlier, images of Baekhyun and Yukhei plaguing his mind. He has more questions, but in the instance Baekhyun was to answer his questions, he’s not sure he could handle his response. What he could control, however, is how their relationship persists thereafter. Baekhyun was right, there’s nothing he could do to change what happened. Presently, Chanyeol still has feelings for Baekhyun and wants to be with him. Anything more he’ll have to deal with when they cross that road.

“You can move,” Baekhyun sighs. His arms drape over Chanyeol’s shoulders. He smiles up at him, sadness shining in his eyes.

Chanyeol knows Baekhyun isn’t ready. He frowns, “I’m not ready yet.”

“Oh, okay,” Baekhyun shies away and grips the clammy skin of Chanyeol’s back, “Are you still upset?”

“Over what?”

“What I told you earlier. Chanyeol, I’m—”

Chanyeol pulls out and thrusts forward, Baekhyun gasping at the rash movement. He starts a bruising tempo, the mattress squeaking from under them. Chanyeol didn’t want to hear that anymore. It made the hurt in his chest throb. He didn’t want to think of that kid or what they did together. He wants to love Baekhyun in the moment, something Yukhei couldn’t do.

Baekhyun spreads his legs and gasps Chanyeol’s name, whining.

Chanyeol is on fire, the pleasure building in his veins spurring him to push into him faster and harder. He moans at the weight of it. Baekhyun sucks him further inside, his dick caressed by his inner walls. He didn’t want to think, just feel how the pressure in his groin builds and how good it is.

Baekhyun pants hotly, his legs locking behind Chanyeol’s back, his ankles pushing against his lower back, “Deeper, it’s deeper.”

Chanyeol closes his eyes, his thrusts increasing. His head falls back, questions of _Did he tell him the same thing?_ and _Did he have to ask?_ Rests on the fringe of his conscious.

“ _There_ ,” Baekhyun moans airily, his nails raking down Chanyeol’s back, suddenly more desperate. He tightens and pants hotly for “ _more_.” Chanyeol groans in response.

“Who fucks you better?” Chanyeol moans out. He sits up, changing the angle. He holds the back of Baekhyun’s knees and spreads his thighs. Baekhyun grabs onto the sheet, eyes screwed shut and eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

“You, baby,” Baekhyun forces out. His hips push back against Chanyeol’s hips, heightening the friction. The slap of the lube and their bodies colliding in quick smacks spurs Chanyeol to go faster.

Chanyeol opens his eyes and Baekhyun is a wreck. His face and neck are red and his fringe sticks to his face messily. His mouth is open, lips pink and wet.

“Whose dick is better—”

“Yours—it’s always been you.” Baekhyun’s voice lifts as he becomes almost hysterical, “Fuck, Chanyeol, _fuck_.”

Baekhyun’s insides flutter then tightens. He grips the sheets and throws his head back. He cums with a cry, “Oh fuck, Chanyeol I’m cumming—" His dick squirts, his load landing on Chanyeol’s stomach and his chest.

Chanyeol moans at the sight. Baekhyun is pretty, his body is pretty as he shudders in pleasure, his personality is pretty as his eyes shine in adoration—hazed over due to the rush of sensations running through him, and he cums prettily, his moans quieting into a decrescendo.

Yukhei got to see it.

Chanyeol pushes into Baekhyun, the bed frame thudding against the wall. The pressure in his groin threatens to snap, his mind and body focused on releasing it. He embraces Baekhyun, the latter wrapping his arms around his back and panting against his ear. Baekhyun spreads his legs and whispers sweet nothings into his ear, urging him to fall and find solace in his body.

“Baby, let go.”

The pressure in Chanyeol’s body snaps. He cums with a gasp and fucks himself through it. Baekhyun opted for them not to use a condom so he could feel everything. It’s warmer and it’s wetter, his cum smoothing the slide. With a huff, the pleasure that ran through his veins, making his body twitch, becomes a soft hum. He stops, breathing harshly, his body molding into Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun strokes Chanyeol’s hair and kisses the side of the face.

“I love you,” Baekhyun whirrs, his thighs hugging Chanyeol’s hips, “I always have.”

Something inside Chanyeol cracks and tears flows from his eyes. He buries his face in the curve of Baekhyun’s neck and swallows his hiccups. Baekhyun loves him.

Baekhyun loves him.

BONUS:

Chanyeol stands, just finishing a set. He had stopped going to the gym as he couldn’t be bothered to wake up early and it was harder to get the work out he wanted during the day with more people competing for the same equipment. With the stress of everything, he deemed now would be a good time more than ever to start up again. He wipes his forehead with a towel from his gym bag and sighs.

He told Baekhyun he forgave him as they weren’t technically together when it happened, but he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it. He blamed himself because he let his fears get the best of him and quite literally made them come true. Baekhyun isn’t that type of person to cheat or lie about his feelings. The lingering feelings he has left concerning this issue is something Baekhyun couldn’t help him with. He has to deal with them on his own. He rummages through his gym back and takes out his water bottle, taking a healthy swig of it. He breathes heavily and looks towards the door. He lowers his water bottle.

It’s Yukhei.

He never really looked at him nor cared to. He’s tall, but not quite as tall as him, and muscle wise is bigger than him. Thoughts of _This is what Baekhyun likes_ fill his head. He’s being childish, but he couldn’t help it. He is Baekhyun’s and Baekhyun is his, and this _freshman_ took what was his, even if it was just for a night. He had to know they were dating but probably didn’t care.

Chanyeol’s eyes narrow, “I know what you and Baekhyun did.”

He’s pissed. He wanted to yell at him, perhaps even fight him but he knew Baekhyun wouldn’t like it, and the last thing he needed was for Baekhyun to run into his arms again.

Yukhei wears an expression akin to a deer caught in the headlights of a car. He appears more like a child than a man who’s capable of fucking his boyfriend.

The freshman turns around and leaves without a word, sealing his guilt.

Chanyeol frowns at his own behavior. He didn’t mean to intimidate him as he rehearsed with himself that when they eventually met up with each other they were going to talk about what happened, but with that could he handle his answers? Did he really want to know what Yukhei had to say? What he cares about the most is his relationship with Baekhyun. He’s going to trust Baekhyun’s words. He couldn’t handle any more than that.


	2. Baekhyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this and are like "ugh, fuck that guy." At least read my A/N at the end! I would appreciate it!
> 
> Events that happen after My Dirty Secret from Baekhyun's point-of-view.

Baekhyun closes the front door of his apartment, the click of the door ringing in his ears, and slides to the floor with a thud. The room is dark. His keys clang onto the floor as they slip out of his hands. He breathes heavily, his face warm and his eyes hurting from crying.

He feels disgusting. The ghosts of Yukhei’s hands linger on his body. He couldn’t blame anyone but himself. He let his anger and the hurt of Chanyeol being like _that_ get the best of him. In the moment, he wanted to prove a point, one he isn’t sure what it was or if it made any sense in the first place. The fight took a wrong turn when Chanyeol accused him of wanting to sleep with Yukhei. He was curious and unjustly allowed Yukhei to be like _that_ with him, towards him for too long he’ll admit. He enjoyed the attention and loved feeling wanted, something he didn’t have with Chanyeol anymore. Their relationship has hit a standstill, the only time Chanyeol shows substance that gives him something to hold on to are his bouts of jealousy and possessiveness. Maybe that’s what he wanted out of the whole stunt: to hurt Chanyeol the same he hurt him and to feel desired— _sought after_ by Chanyeol.

Hot tears roll down his face and the weight of the situation sits in his belly, making it hard for him to breathe. He stands, staggering to the light switch. He’s met with his living room just as he left it earlier that afternoon, a throw resting on the back of the couch and an empty mug on the coffee table. Jongdae must still be out.

He ruined his friendship with Yukhei. He isn’t sure how to act around him now after he saw him in such a low place. Even Chanyeol hasn’t known that self-destructive side of him.

At the mention of Chanyeol, tears blur his vision and he takes a shuddering breath. He sealed the demise of their relationship. They aren’t technically together anymore; he didn’t cheat but the fact it was with Yukhei of all people will probably destroy him.

* * *

“Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun whispers into his phone while lying in bed in a fetal position, the towel wrapped around his body from the shower that left his skin red from scrubbing it. His blanket from his bed lays on top of him, protecting him from the chill of the room.

_Baekhyun? Are you okay? You sound awful._

Baekhyun closes his eyes as another bout of tears overcomes him like high tide. His eyes throb from crying off and on all night and writing and erasing apologies to Chanyeol via text message. Around 4 in the morning he reached the realization that Chanyeol may never take him back or trust him. He barely trusted him before, and he didn’t do anything to merit the cause. He wanted to tell himself this was all for the best. His relationship with Chanyeol was bordering toxic with Chanyeol constantly questioning his motives and he probing his. However, a part of him isn’t ready to let go. Even in Chanyeol’s weaker moments, he has always loved him and despite understanding the best for him isn’t him, he isn’t prepared to let go. As selfish and stubborn as it is, he didn’t want anybody else to have him. What Chanyeol needed to address was his trust in him, but even now he doesn’t have the right to tell him such a thing. He proved his suspicions right.

He wants to lie and make his tryst with Yukhei a dirty secret he takes to his grave, but another, more rational side knew he had been caught. If people didn’t see him by Yukhei’s dorm, entering his room, they heard them. There’s also the possibility of Yukhei telling other people. The best course of action is to be upfront about it, if not to save face but for Chanyeol and his friends’ sake as they deserved that much.

However, he may be able to lie to Jongdae and tell him he was sick, but he couldn’t lie to Kyungsoo. If he tried the other man would pick up on it. He always has.

“I fucked up,” Baekhyun whispers through the comforter.

_“You what?”_

“I broke up with Chanyeol.”

_“Oh.”_ Kyungsoo’s voice is even and free of bias or shock.

“I fucked up. I fucked bad.”

_“Baekhyun…Chanyeol is crazy about you. Whenever we hang out you’re all he ever talks about. I know you guys have your issues with him not trusting you and being a bit possessive. We’ve talked about that and I’ve tried talking to him about it, but if you want him he’ll take you back if you talk out your differences. It just happened right? Maybe—”_ Kyungsoo’s voice is soothing and sympathetic, even more so with the knowledge that he doesn’t support the relationship on a rational level. In the past, before he found himself so deep in Chanyeol, Kyungsoo advised him to cut it off as it’ll cause nothing but stress and hurt in the future, but even now, he still has the capacity to try to make him feel better. Make him feel good for wanting something he shouldn’t have. Baekhyun almost calmed down, his heart returning to its natural rhythm, but that isn’t the problem. He didn’t just make a quick decision and decide to jump out of his relationship for a day then cry at home.

“I slept with someone.”

There’s a pause on the other line, _“With who?”_

“The kid Chanyeol has been obsessed with lately.”

_“…And when did you break up?”_

“Last night.” He sniffles as another wave of tears wash over him, the inflection in his voice rising.

_“Baekhyun…”_

“I know.”

_“Baekhyun—I—why? I’m just—that—this is like you. What did you and Chanyeol fight about—”_

“The kid.”

Kyungsoo sucks air through his teeth. After another pause, he continues, _“Baekhyun, I’m coming over.”_

Baekhyun sits up. As much as he’ll enjoy having Kyungsoo physically there, and hopefully have someone else break the news to Jongdae when he returns, he doesn’t deserve such. He didn’t know if he could fix it or how he’ll live with himself, but he had to.

“Kyungsoo—”

“You can’t stop me.”

* * *

Chanyeol is heavy above him, his head cushioned between his neck and shoulder. Baekhyun thought them having sex was a positive sign and a point in the right direction but when Chanyeol shuddered, tears landing on his skin, he knew things were probably worse than before.

He wants to console him, but every time he told him he was sorry, another piece of Chanyeol broke. Worse off, he has an inkling that Chanyeol is blaming himself as his comment is what pushed him over the edge and escalated things to what they are now.

Baekhyun fingers Chanyeol’s hair and massages his scalp while leaning into Chanyeol’s embrace. He starts softly, “Chanyeollie, do you want to talk about it?”

He’s met with silence and Baekhyun closes his eyes. A piece of him, one he didn’t want to listen to and hated it for being right knew this isn’t going to work, no matter how badly they want it to. With his free hand, he rubs the smooth skin of Chanyeol’s back, trying his best to enjoy what could potentially be the last time they could hold each other like this.

Chanyeol sits up and Baekhyun opens his eyes. Chanyeol’s face is red and wet and he’s frowning, his eyes devoid of their previous spark, one he hasn’t seen in months but now are darker and muddled. They stare at each other, Baekhyun in confusion and concern and Chanyeol with a blank expression until he flips Baekhyun over to his stomach. Baekhyun eats the cotton of the sheets. He attempts to turn over when he hears the slap of skin against skin but Chanyeol holds him there and then after a moment pushes their hips together, reentering him. Baekhyun grips the sheets to maintain his balance on the bed and to keep himself from hitting the headboard. Chanyeol pushes forward starting a tempo that rivals the one from before. Baekhyun whimpers into the sheets from overstimulation. It’s too much too soon and his body couldn’t handle the electric shocks that run through his body without purpose. His dick that swings between his legs from the rash movement hardens, growing heavy. With that, pressure builds and a fever takes over him. His whimpers turn into moans that competes with Chanyeol’s grunts and he pushes back against Chanyeol’s rough strokes. It’s _good_ , but he knows they shouldn’t be doing this, he should push Chanyeol off and leave. However, that selfish unforgiving side wants more than anything to have Chanyeol’s approval, and with that will do almost anything please him. Their dynamic has shifted, but he could only blame himself.

Chanyeol slaps his ass, Baekhyun’s cry muffled by the sheet, “Whose ass is this?”

Baekhyun doesn’t recognize the tone of Chanyeol’s voice nor is he familiar with this side of Chanyeol; nonetheless, he rises, one hand holding onto the sheet and the other on the headboard to keep himself steady, “Yours.”

Chanyeol slaps his ass again, this time harder, “Whose ass is this?”

Baekhyun pants, “Yours—Chanyeol’s—I’m yours.” His mouth salivates at the angle and his breath is caught. The slide of Chanyeol’s dick against his walls, nudging his prostrate is delicious.

Chanyeol rasps, “Whose dick is fucking you right now?”

The smack of their hips and the sound of Chanyeol fucking his nut deeper inside him spurs Baekhyun on and he couldn’t help but moan, scratching against the fitted sheet and his palm pushing against the headboard. His dick between his legs throbs but he couldn’t find it in him to finish himself off, or rather, he didn’t want what is going on between them to end.

“Yours,” Baekhyun sighs shakily, close, and by the sound of Chanyeol’s moans he’s on the cusp too.

The pressure growing in Baekhyun’s groin increases, his mind fogged over and focused on releasing so he can take the euphoria that waiting for him on the horizon. He pants hotly in time with Chanyeol’s.

Chanyeol comes first with a groan, the burst of cum causing Baekhyun to moan. It spills from between Baekhyun’s legs and drips down his thighs. Chanyeol fucks Baekhyun through his orgasm, his hold on his hips iron tight as he pushes himself inside him over and over to heighten the friction between before it disappears. On Chanyeol’s third thrust, Baekhyun gasps and cums untouched, now enthusiastically pushing against Chanyeol’s hyper hips.

With a gasp, Baekhyun deflates, landing on the wetness on the sheet from his orgasm their sweat from the round before with Chanyeol on top him, breathing harshly. Chanyeol wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s midsection and fits his head between his shoulder and neck. It’s uncomfortable but Baekhyun couldn’t find it in himself to tell him to move.

Chanyeol’s voice is low as he mutters, kissing the side of Baekhyun’s face, “I don’t want to let you go.” He tightens his hold, “How long have I loved you this much?”

Baekhyun closes his eyes, understanding the double meaning.

It’s his turn to cry.

I gotta rant a little bit (I haven’t done one of these in a while!) I was originally going to write another scene where they run into Yukhei but I don’t want to torture him more than I already have (I say this about a _fanfic_ character). This part feels like a pity party for Baekhyun, but I felt the need to expand on his characterization a bit more. Maybe I’m putting too much into a fanfic or something, but I didn’t want people to blindly hate him! My purpose of his character was him to represent the flaws humans have. Each character has them since they are ALL shitty besides Kyungsoo (but I guess he can be seen as an enabler here) but Baekhyun is THE character since a lot of ppl Gary Stu him and make him this uwu baby who does no wrong. Like, Chanyeol has HUGE trust issues and Baekhyun is just selfish and petty (really, neither should be in a relationship but I either write fluff or them in a toxic relationship…says a lot about my views on romance—to a degree I’ve written fics where they have healthy fights). Yukhei is young and dumb (and a bit selfish. I know I had him push Baekhyun away at first, but he really could have put his foot down and told Baekhyun to cut that shit out and leave but he want to freak him so he didn’t). But anyway, back to Baekhyun. Baekhyun, I wanted to show how he made a mistake (although extreme) anybody could make—don’t act like you’ve never wronged somebody because whether or not you have! And Baekhyun didn’t freak Yukhei because he was horny or whatever, but he was hurting so he was self-destructing. I know when I get self-destructive I just start going whooo (maybe that’s why I don’t hate him what fucking SUCKED is they just had a fight over him, broke up because of him, then Baekhyun ran and did what Chanyeol thought he wanted to—Baekhyun didn’t want to do it, I hope it’s clear here—because he was hurt over Chanyeol being an asshole for basically being good friends with other people he didn’t approve of.)

I said enough. If you hate Baekhyun still, I’ll just have to eat it.

Cheers!


	3. A/N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N you can skip if you want.

I usually don’t comment on my own fics, but I do have something to say. It felt wrong to write this as an update but this is still bothering me and I think this could help other fanfic writers in the future in relation to comment courtesy.

I appreciate all the comments I get! Even the ones that aren’t positive! I truly do! But when just about all of them are just complaining about the story or stating what you want to happen hurts my feelings. Getting these comments put me in a dark place. Not because I can’t take criticism but it’s not even criticism? It’s just negativity and saying “I don’t like this” or whatever. I don’t know what to do with it, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel after reading them.

I’m only saying this because fanfic writers write these fics for everyone to read for free and understand they’re human too. All we get is our own gratification from writing the fic and the feedback we get from other people. If you want to complain I can’t stop uou nor will I ask you to stop, but please at least consider _mentioning_ the piece overall or the writing or if you enjoyed it or something.

Anyways, I really want to delete this story because it’s bought nothing but negativity to me and having people comment then delete their comments and the negativity in the comments that are still there is just :/ Like I said, I love all comments but I’m just asking, moving forward, to be more aware of your words. Feel free to complain in the comment section or discuss or whatever but don’t forget I’m getting notifications for that too. And thank you for the comments that I have received. It taught me I didn’t do a good job protraying my characters as flawed but motivated beings and I need to try harder. I’m just asking to word the message in a way that isn’t as hurtful or kinda ignoring me/taking me out of the equation. 

Sorry and thank you.   
  



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